Resentment: When Your Wounds Start Leading

Dr. Ken Harmon

What happens when an executive or senior pastor has moved beyond an injury professionally but hasn't moved beyond it emotionally?

The employee left. The board meeting ended. The church survived the conflict. The executive team was restructured. Everyone appears to have moved forward. But the leader is still carrying what happened. That matters because leaders do not leave their wounds in the parking lot when they walk into the office. Unexamined pain can enter meetings, personnel decisions, budgets, sermons, strategic planning, and relationships without ever appearing on the agenda.

A. Resentment Can Disguise Itself as Discernment

Leaders learn from experience. A CEO betrayed by a trusted executive should learn something from that experience. A senior pastor who has survived a destructive church conflict would be foolish to ignore what it taught. But wisdom and woundedness are not the same thing.

A leader who has been betrayed may become more careful, which can be healthy. Over time, however, carefulness can become suspicion. The leader begins saying, “I've learned how people are.” Maybe. Or perhaps one painful relationship has been given permission to interpret everyone who came afterward.

I have experienced my own version of this. Growing up under Big Joe taught me powerful lessons about authority long before I was old enough to understand what I was learning. Later, the Army reinforced some of those lessons. I became very good at functioning within rigid authority structures. Only later could I examine how those experiences influenced my understanding of leadership and even my relationship with God. Leaders need that kind of examination because experience is always teaching us something. The question is whether it taught us something true.

B. A Leader's Wounds Can Become the Organization's Culture

Senior leaders possess disproportionate emotional influence. If the CEO becomes defensive whenever challenged, people eventually stop challenging the CEO. If a senior pastor reacts harshly to bad news, staff members learn to bring only good news. If an executive director distrusts everyone, employees become increasingly cautious.

Eventually the leader may look around and conclude, “Everyone agrees with me.” They may not. People may simply have learned what disagreement costs. This is why personal healing becomes an organizational issue. What remains unresolved inside a leader can gradually become normalized around the leader.

C. Resentment Can Quietly Participate in Decisions

A leader may sincerely believe a decision is strategic while emotional history is also sitting at the table. Who gets trusted? Who gets promoted? Whose disagreement feels threatening? Who receives another opportunity? Who reminds you of the person who betrayed you five years ago?

These are uncomfortable questions, particularly for successful leaders accustomed to trusting their judgment. But authority increases the importance of self-examination rather than decreasing it. The higher you lead, the more people can be affected by something inside you that you've never examined.

The Pastoral Turn

Jesus presented leadership as stewardship rather than possession. That means the Christian leader must ask more than, “Do I have the authority to make this decision?” We also have to ask, “What is happening inside me while I'm making it?” Sometimes the most dangerous wound in an organization is the one belonging to the person nobody feels authorized to question.

So How Do You Move Forward?

A. STOP Allowing Past Wounds to Define Present Leadership.

Develop this point by explaining how unresolved experiences with rejection, betrayal, or authority can shape present leadership decisions. Include a recognizable leadership example, discuss what needs to change, and provide a practical exercise or question that helps readers examine their own behavior.

B. STOP Confusing Personal Resentment with Professional Discernment.

Explain how a leader's resentment can influence hiring, delegation, trust, and accountability. Illustrate the difference between a legitimate leadership concern and an emotional reaction rooted in previous experiences. Then offer a concrete way to evaluate decisions more objectively.

C. STOP Making Your Team Responsible for Wounds They Didn't Create.

Explore how unresolved hurt can affect organizational culture, communication, and relationships. Show how leaders can take responsibility for their emotional responses without ignoring legitimate workplace problems. Conclude with a practical step toward healthier leadership.

Closing Thought

Your organization should not have to heal from what you refuse to heal in yourself. Leadership magnifies vision, character, courage, and generosity. Unfortunately, leadership can also magnify wounds.

The objective isn't becoming a leader who has never been hurt. Such a leader doesn't exist. The objective is becoming a leader whose hurt no longer gets an unnamed seat at the leadership table. That's part of learning to Stop Leading Wounded.

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